Tuesday, May 22, 2018

A Letter About Fear: A Post that Started with One Thought and Ended Miles off Topic

What's your biggest fear?

Mine I guess could be considered more than one. Total chaos with nowhere being safe (that's why zombie or apocalyptic movies terrify me).

But my biggest fear used to be: Getting Forgotten.

I had the same friends since I moved to Gilbert at 6 years old. I honestly don't remember how I became friends with most of them...or any of them? It takes some deep thinking to recall.

But, as you know I was becoming so different from the girls I grew up with. Sure I was into guys and wanted a boyfriend, but guys--at least the guys I wanted to notice me--never did. My friends around me were getting boyfriends--or at least having their first kiss (didn't have mine till I was 21 and it was the worst, haha I can't wait to tell you that story)...and it wasn't that I was jealous but I had missed the simpler times where we could all hang out together without talking about who liked who. I was the weird girl who silently glorified our elementary days where the most we had to worry about was getting picked for a team at recess or PE.

As graduation dawned I felt my biggest fear was soon to be realized.

So in a sort of ridiculous haze, I wrote a long letter to Layla--the girl who I had been closest with since elementary (again her name has been changed)--begging her to not forget me. Funnily enough, I shoved it in her mail box while trying to hide the fact I was doing so from two other good friends who had walked to Layla's house with me. I didn't want them to feel bad I hadn't written them a letter. Maybe I was so worried about Layla forgetting me because she was only MY best friend until fourth grade. Wow, I just realized that once our friendship expanded to others was the moment I grew scared she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.

Fourth grade was the time I starting running about at recess with my imaginary friends more often than before because I didn't know how to be friends with anyone else. (Times I remember distinctly). I would also pick up trash to try and get a "Tiger-riftic" as well. Something me and my friends laughed about later.

All I had to do was go and ask anyone in my class if I could "play" with them and they would have said yes. Elementary was a magical time and it may just be me, but I feel there will always be even the tiniest of connections with the kids I went to elementary with--those in my classes were always so kind.

Nonetheless, Layla was always so good to me. She assured me she would never forget me. We are certainly not as close as we used to be, but... I admire her for remaining kind. It wasn't that I was creepily attached to her--it was that I was so painfully shy she was the only one I could truly be myself around at school all the way until graduation! (Page entered in Junior High and became the second person I could really be myself around).

Yes, my thoughts are all jumbled here, but bear with me. Memories don't always surface in chronological order.

I watch certain people and I wonder how the hell they miss high school. I truly wish that high school will never be the prime of anyone's life. Everyone deserves more than the click-ish envrionment where if you don't fit in you're essentially a social outcast. Not that college or adult hood is any easier, in fact it's a million times harder. Well, I take that back. It's simply different.

But it's a hard and painful different I will choose over high school any day.

I'm not sure when my fear of being forgotten faded away, but I know Layla's simple assurance those nearly five years ago certainly helped. I know we won't ever be as close as we once were, but that is not a bad thing. Friendships evolve in various ways, and the very fact that I know I can call her and she will listen is sign enough of how good a person and friend she is.

Something I wish I could have realized during that fearful senior year: those who truly care about you will never forget you, and a lack of constant communication does not mean they don't care. It means they are confident in your ability to take care of yourself.

I still think fondly of my elementary school days, and I want to send a shout out to any of you--and yes literally all of you--peers and teachers alike--who happen to read this. All of you were so kind and good to me in elementary school, and the fact all of you remembered who I was throughout high school made that tremulous time so much easier. I hope that life is treating you well.

I want to thank two kids in particular. As you know I don't use real names, so I simply hope (if they even read this) they know who they are. Elementary school perhaps the only time in my life I didn't care about having friends who were boys. As I've explained, I still have never had a "best" friend who was a guy, but there were two boys who I had in all my classes since first grade that were always nice to me. I know this sounds simple, but it meant the world to me that they remembered my name and would even reach out at times to ask if I wanted to play whatever it was they were playing.

I was sad when one left in junior high to go to a different school district, but even when he visited he still knew and acted like he knew who I was. I never could understand why people would act like they didn't know you simply because you weren't in the same click as them. I always admired this kid.

And, I'll even admit I was driven to tears when the other who stayed in the same schools as me signed my Junior Yearbook with something that said along the lines. "I know you'll be a successful writer one day."

Man, I hadn't actually had a conversation with him since elementary, but somehow he remembered this (I didn't tell really anyone I liked writing for a LONG time; my mom had told a leader at church once who asked about it in front of everyone and I busted into tears from the sheer embarrassment). The memory of his note even has me crying now. Silly, right?

No. I no longer think it's silly. The world needs more people like the kids I went to elementary school with. Although we all went on completely separate paths--they have always been kind.

Truly, you can never know how much a simple, nice word can completely turn around someone's life.

I know I'm not perfect, but I always strive to be kind. Let us all strive to be kind. The world will be a much happier and better place for it.

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